Saturday, 8 September 2018

He's not looking for a rose



I took the stairs, two at a time. Bolted into my bedroom and locked the door shut behind me. With my back against the wall, sliding down to the floor, I felt dreamy. Maybe this is what it feels like to be high on drugs? It was raining outside. I peeled off my soaked clothes down from my dirty skin. I leaned upwards and two hollow orbs pierced my vision. My mirror is reflecting the innocence that I lost. My thighs were bruised and sore, I am no longer untouched. I was sticky down there, where some of it had leaked out. My body ached inside, but it was a good ache. A first time ache.

-

If walls could talk, they would tell me that your love for me is like a rose. Where I bloomed vibrant enough for you to see, where I bloomed vibrant enough for you to pluck. I would catch your eye for one second to an hour and be left to rot under the sheets of a budget motel. I may be reckless, I may be fearless, but my thorns won’t be enough for you to turn back and bleed. I am not a cactus. I don’t hurt to feel safe. I am a rose as red as heart. My scent would whisper promises into you but we don’t speak the same language and I don’t have a lifetime to translate my soul. My midnight sky surpasses your sunrises that you never wanted me to see, but when you let someone look at your sky you trust them to admire your stars and love you amidst the dark clouds that surround the pouring rain. You trust them to be your sun. And your moon.

If walls could talk, they would tell me to abort my favourite mistake. Aku tahu hidup engkau takkan senang sebab engkau anak luar nikah, tapi aku selfish.

-

Terbang, sayang.
Engkau istimewa kerna engkau tidak sempurna.
The world needs someone with heart as big as yours.
Tempuhi dan rempuhilah wahai intan permata,
Seputih salju, suci lagi dirimu.
But your life would be better
Your life would be simpler  
 Kalau kau
                    bukan
                                 anak  
                                              aku.


Friday, 20 October 2017

Lullabies at 3am


So let me tell you about the time that the air harassed my lungs and it got harder to breathe.

I keep thinking of the times I can't feel them slipping off my grasp until they're too far gone and it's just too late to stop everything going into motion.

What was then an arm's reach is now no longer in my line of vision, my horizon that was then coloured by the sunset is now covered with a veil.

I can no longer see but baby I also can no longer feel.

And maybe you left breadcrumbs for me to follow but I was too blinded by the illusion of what once was to see your poetry is all that I ever need, an awakening that is too hard to speak. I was so captivated by the shattered ruins of the home I once lost I didn't realize the home that you built for me, the garden that you planted in me and the brick trails to an open door that will be locked with your embrace.

And maybe today I'll try shouting at the sun in hopes that it sets soon, so when the sky is painted in pink hues I will remember how your fingers feel on my heart, like a symphony at the back of my mind-the one I can't erase.
And maybe this time the hollowness of my heart is filled,

With the sunsets that I share with you.